WHO IS JOHN PORK?
The man. The myth. The missed call.
Before there was Italian Brainrot, there was John Pork.
A mysterious pig-man. A fashion icon. A businessman. A part-time international man of mystery.
And, most importantly, a man who has been trying to call you since 2023.
You haven't answered.
He hasn't taken it well.
The Beginning
Nobody knows exactly where John Pork came from.
Some say Palermo. Some say London. Some say he simply appeared one morning in a red shirt, jeans and suspiciously expensive shoes and started taking selfies.
The truth is probably somewhere between all three.
John first emerged onto the internet around 2018, quietly posting pictures of himself at famous landmarks and living the sort of glamorous lifestyle usually reserved for footballers, rappers and people who own more than one air fryer.
He was mysterious. He was stylish. He was undeniably pork.
And then came the phone call.
John Pork Is Calling...
In 2023, the internet changed forever.
A phone appeared on screen. A familiar face stared back.
The question was simple: Would you answer?
Millions of people chose the same option. Decline.
And that's where everything went horribly wrong.
Because John kept calling.
Nobody knew what he wanted. Nobody knew why he kept calling.
And eventually, people started asking the most important question of all:
Nobody knows. Because nobody has ever been brave enough.
Why Won't Anyone Answer John Pork?
There are several theories.
Whatever the reason, one thing is certain:
John Pork has been left on read for years. And frankly, he's starting to take it personally.
Enter Daquavious Pork
Every legendary family has one. John has Daquavious Pork. John's younger brother.
Daquavious is cut from the same porky cloth, but where John is mysterious and sophisticated, Daquavious is... Well... Daquavious.
He doesn't call. He FaceTimes.
He doesn't ask if you can talk. He simply appears.
And while John has spent years trying to get people to answer one phone call, Daquavious has somehow developed the ability to appear in places without anyone knowing how he got there.
The brothers have never agreed on who is the favourite son. Their mother refuses to comment. Their father hasn't been seen since 2019.
Family reunions are therefore extremely awkward.
The Friendship That Ended In Cheese
Then there was Tim Cheese.
John Pork and Tim Cheese were once close. Very close. Childhood friends. Partners in crime. Two idiots with absolutely no idea how much trouble they were going to cause the internet.
But then came the jealousy.
John had the looks. John had the lifestyle. John had the phone. And, allegedly, John had caught the attention of someone Tim Cheese was interested in. That was enough.
The friendship collapsed. And the John Pork universe was never the same again.
Tim Cheese became John's greatest enemy.
Some versions of the story say Tim Cheese killed John Pork. Some say John survived. Some say the whole thing was staged. Some say John is still alive. And some say the real John Pork is the friends we made along the way.
Marvin Beak Knows More Than He's Saying
Then there's Marvin Beak.
Nobody quite knows whose side Marvin is on. He's been John's friend. He's been linked to Tim. He's appeared at crime scenes. He's disappeared before giving statements.
He's the sort of person who says "I probably shouldn't tell you this..." and then immediately tells you everything.
Marvin knows the truth.
Unfortunately, Marvin also has the attention span of a traffic cone.
Enter The Brainrot
And just when things couldn't get any stranger... They did. Much stranger.
The Italian Brainrot universe arrived. Suddenly John Pork found himself surrounded by creatures who seemed to have been designed after someone fell asleep while scrolling TikTok.
This is Brainrot. There are no rules.
John Pork Meets Italian Brainrot
John initially tried to stay out of it. He really did. He had a business to run. Calls to make. People to annoy. Merchandise to eventually sell.
But the Italian Brainrot characters had other ideas.
Tralalero wanted John's phone. Bombardiro wanted John's location. Ballerina Cappuccina wanted everyone to stop fighting. Cappuccino Assassino wanted everyone dead. Brr Brr Patapim just wanted a quiet woodland. And Tung Tung Tung Sahur had apparently been awake since 4am.
John realised something important:
And for the first time in his life... John Pork was frightened.
The Boomtown Incident
Then came August 2026.
John Pork disappeared.
For three days, nobody could find him. His phone went straight to voicemail. His Instagram stopped posting. Even Daquavious couldn't locate him.
Then someone spotted him. At Boomtown.
Nobody knows how he got in. Nobody knows who gave him a wristband. Nobody knows why a pig-man in a red shirt was wandering around the festival at 2:17am carrying a phone with 47% battery.
According to completely unreliable eyewitness reports, John was seen talking to: Tralalero Tralala. Then Ballerina Cappuccina. Then Daquavious Pork. Then, briefly... Tim Cheese.
At approximately 3:04am, John Pork allegedly climbed onto a speaker stack, held his phone above his head and shouted:
Nobody knows what happened next. The crowd started chanting. Someone started playing a remix of the John Pork ringtone. Tung Tung Tung Sahur appeared. Bombardiro Crocodilo was apparently somewhere above the festival.
And John Pork disappeared into the night. His phone was still ringing.
Where Is John Pork Now?
Nobody knows.
Some say he's back in London. Some say he's hiding in Italy. Some say he's living quietly with Daquavious. Some say Tim Cheese finally caught him.
Others say he's currently travelling the world, looking for the one person brave enough to answer his call.
There is another theory. A much more disturbing one.
About what? We have absolutely no idea. And frankly, we'd rather not find out.
So... Who Is John Pork?
An internet legend. A pig. A man. A fashion icon. A criminal suspect. A festival attendee. A brother. A friend. A potential victim. A possible murderer. An OG Brainrot.
And the only person in history who can make a missed call feel like a genuine threat to your personal safety.
He's been calling for years. You haven't answered. He's still waiting.
The phone is ringing.
Are you going to pick up?
Probably best not.